Wednesday, January 11, 2012


More affectionately known as my broken promises

With the new year comes that timed honoured tradition of resolutions don't ask me how far that crap started....long enough to leave generations of guilt and failure....but no matter how impossible they are to remember or we just can't be arsed too shift after over indulging during the christmas....lets face it were all to busy being distracted by shining sales and exchanging crap presents for something useful or something that won't get nominated for the blind dresser of the year award..seriously either some people really have bad taste or christmas is when the years pent up hostilities get unleashed culminating in horrible jumpers and ugly collectibles.

This year I've decided to keep it simple or more to the point easy that I can do it in my sleep like get more sleep (tick one down see thats what resolutions are meant to be fun, realistic and most importantly actually doable) a little less telly okay probably have to work on that one but still we're in the doable zone...spend less time on the computer...okay I don't know where that crazy idea came from maybe that annoying little voice I call party poopper or conscious to everyone else....but I've gone way past the comfy doable zone and strayed into neverland....its like asking me not breathe give me something better to do and I'll happily give up the computer maybe an Ipad or an Iphone (I know these are just portable versions of a computer but thats the point...I get to pretend to be spending more time with my sister and her spawns but really I'm ignoring them from a closer distance....because thats what family time is all about gathered around a common goals feeding and watching the telly).  What I need is something to gently tear me away from my addiction towards a new addiction....without me having a lemming style breakdown.

So my new years resolution is too sleep, eat and socialise a bit more....less virtual reality more actual reality because if this is the last year of humanity I should at least make an effort with my nearest and dearest and you know....take an interest in their lives apart from scourring the facebook updates and photo uploads like some life stalker and turn my chat on....scratch that last one out until facebook develops an app to select and deselect people you want to appear available to....I'm sticking with my click and unclick method of seeing whos worth chatting to....I have a habit of accepting anybody and everybody regardless of whether I like them or not and every once in a while I accept someone I wish I never accepted because they become annoying and a few I actually know and they are annoying in reality as well....most the people I accepted were purely to stroke my ego I wanted lost of friends easy emotionally stress free friends...where there is no investment just acquistions real friends you have work on nurish and invest time sometimes money but facebook took all that hassle you a chance high school never gave you virtually popularity.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

New Year


I know I know.....well past the belated mark but its always the thought that counts....and you know whoever came up with that qoute was probably a serial procrastinator like me...but for me I feel its more of a vocation than a fault now if can just get paid for putting things can only dream.

Well we've already established 2012...we're not going to be great lovers I seriously doubt even good friends to be honest at this point....since the 1st of January its been nothing but constant rain not just mild showers....but the mother of all thunder and lightening rain storms the kind that makes you tremble because it might actually be the that sky is falling down.....I keep expecting to see a little white chicken running around screaming "the sky is falling..the sky is falling" obviously if I did see a chicken running around screaming it would be more clucking than words but I'm pretty sure it would be the signal of the apocalypse....I'm trying to not think of the Mayans right now 
because 2012 if your starting as you mean to go kinda of feels like the slow building up of an epic blockbuster ending...If its going to be the end of the world I hope its quick no lingering struggle for survival Spielberg movie.....especially running for ones life because I hate running thats why we used animals then moved on to less smelling modes of transport.....but then again I'd take a Spielberg reality movie over a Micheal Bay one...don't get me wrong I like action but sometimes it feels like I stepped onto a rollercoaster but forgot to buckle up and got thrown off at the first drop you know what I'm talking about Transformers they got frantic with each sequel the last one was just a blur like a cartoon brawl....a dust cloud of noise until someone gets thrown out but at least their easier to follow.

Well all I can say is if the end comes and I'm not already dead then....I'm definitely this year getting rat arsed drunk so that I don't realise the "OH CRAP!" moment when it hits.

Dear 2011

Well played....I didnt see it coming that shit pie you've been secretly baking not to mention the crapcakes that came after.  Its been great of course I lie you been nothing but a bastard but at least you've been a consistent bastard and I've been a constant whinny bitch we were well suited spent most of the year lonely and depressed wishing you a bad end and you obliged me by leaving as somberly as you came.
love emotionally bankrupt



2011 I was sober when I met you obviously my first big mistake (usually rat arsed drunk) clear headed relationships always end bitterly I'm big girl so I'll put my hands up and admit....its my fault you know usually you tell the other person one of the top 5 relationships of "its not you it's me" bullshit well in my case it is always me...I hate commitment when the fun leaves the party I scurry out the back door temporarily taking up hermit status until they stop calling(people by the way are always slow to realise when they're being fobbed off I can honestly say I've never dumped anyone I just ignore them until they leave me alone....and yes I'm very bad girl and theres a special place in hell reserved just for me....right next to my mother for eternity), ever had the sticky awakward moment when you bump into someone you've been trying to avoid I've always been fortunate to have a phone fetish..buying new phones constantly can dig you out of many holes...killing off fictional relatives is another great one(I spent alot of time at family funerals actually window shopping,perusing libraries relationships have prepared me for a life on the run) it helps if you have a good imagination or an overactive one like mine cultivated over many years of bookworming and couch potatoing infront of my childhood BFF the telly.

We were a little bit rocky there for awhile bickering and whinning, coming to near fatal blows.  The problem you see is that I have been marooned on a mediterranean island for 3 years now free loading at my sisters house paying my room and board by being a live in nanny to my sisters 4 kids...yes 4 2 older and 2 smaller ones (they make comedy sketches about nannies like me the ones that ignore the kids constantly glued to the computer screen juggling multiple online relationships which are even better there is no clingy factor involved with dating online unless the guy turns up but being stuck in the middle of crap island I'm pretty safe..all I need is the chainsmokking and drinking addiction badge and I can be certified for something probably jail) actually I'm not really a nanny that requires more work babysitter would probably what I'm qualified for....babysitting of pets that is...not human babysitting but I haven't killed them yet...not that I'm trying much....I have came close to losing the little ones a few times though but come on who hasn't.

The middle of 2011 was a little sombre money was like a second hand clothes that went to a really fat person tight really tight straining scrimped and saved you don't realise how wastefull you are when you start collecting all loose change tucked away into every nook and cranny and into the washing machine thanks to little hands that like to and budget don't mix well especially when they think that banks give you money unconditionally and by god do you realise how much they eat when your counting pennies.

Towards the end of the year the money tree had wilted the bank of endless cash dried up 2011 eleven you left me bitter and broke the winter was cold wet and dark not even the thought of christmas just made me all the more depressed my mother came for christmas first day YEAH mothers love to smother following days after that when you leaving again....and then I realised why I didn't miss the last 3 christmas at home don't get me wrong food was amazing mothers always know how to cook a good roast chocolates stuffed till the sicking feeling crept so I stopped for short break....minced pies devoured...good company enjoyed....then the free flowly alcohol came and it all went south.....the usual family issues brewed and boiled to the surface my mother started the stone throwing moving on to blunt instruments...the previous night she invited total strangers as one does drunk on a night out they came in the afternoon and  stayed and some more stayed even when politely told there was no room at the inn that didn't bother them they stayed until boxing day had to be practicaly pushed out the door when it was coming close to 3 o'clock in the afternoon thank you mother as always was sunshine and forgetfulness of all her drunken sins.

New years eve we waited your promise of a new and bright year soberly I greeted you once again twice in a row not learning from my came 2012 dark cold and wetter BASTARD....I know one when I see one and you 2012 so far you have been an arse...2011 I sorry please take me back I didn't mean all the things I said.